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Post by Mr. Cheddar on Oct 13, 2012 18:00:10 GMT -5
Identify, by number, the Basho haiku that you wish to translate in the subject line.
Place your translation/interpretation in the body of the post. Finally, skip a few lines and offer two to three sentences on what you changed and why.
Check to see if someone has already done that particular poem, if they have simply respond as there is no need to start a new thread.
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Post by piannelli95 on Oct 16, 2012 13:44:19 GMT -5
180
the ancient pond;
a frog jumps in--
the water's sound.
I switched old with ancient because it sounds better and more descriptive.
In addition, I switched "ya" with the semi-colon because I am translating this haiku into English
On the next line, I also added my own caesura because I want my readers to make another comparison with the image that appears in the third line.
Although it would be flow more to write "the sound of the water", I choose to keep it as the water's sound becuase this way places more emphasis on the image of the water.
"Water's sound" is more effective with regard to imagery than the "sound of the water."
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Post by julianapa121 on Oct 16, 2012 15:07:42 GMT -5
180
An old pond;
A tiny frog jumps in
The sound of water.
I changed "ya" to a semi-colon to place emphasis on the comparison to the old pond and the tiny frog -- old and new.
In the next line, I added the word "tiny" to once again emphasize the comparison between the age of the pond and the age of the frog.
In the last line, I changed the order of the words to say "the sound of water" because I felt like it made more sense - if something is jumping into water, no matter how small, a sound is going to be made.
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Post by chelseape121 on Oct 16, 2012 15:30:28 GMT -5
180
In the murky pond;
A frog daringly jumped in
creating a sound.
I chose to replace "old pond" with "murky pond" the change creates a stronger image to connect with the frog jumping in. Since its described as "murky" it seemed fit that the frog then"daringly" jump in. And that jump makes a sound. "Ya" was replaced with a semi-colon to make the image of pond and frog two separate images.
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Post by kellyva121 on Oct 16, 2012 15:38:35 GMT -5
180
The old pond-
A frog hops in
The sound of water.
I replaced "ya" with a hyphen in order to show that I am describing the old pond in the other two lines.
I replaced jump with hop because it gives more of a lively image, which demonstrates the comparison between old and new. The pond is described as old and by the frog hopping into the pond shows that the frog is young.
Lastly, I made it "the sound of water" because the frog is making a sound in the water. In other words, the sound of water is coming from the frog's jump.
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Post by colleenga129 on Oct 16, 2012 15:48:41 GMT -5
108
A tired pond–
A young frog jumps in,
Water is awakened
I added a pause to the first line to stress the juxtaposition between the pond and the frog. I put a comma after the second line to maintain the flow of the poem. "Old "became "tired", "sound" became "awakened", and I described the frog as "young" to compare a stationary, somewhat lifeless, old pond to an energetic and lively frog. By jumping into the pond, the frog causes commotion and adds life to the pond that was previously "dead".
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Post by elanapascoguin on Oct 16, 2012 16:34:17 GMT -5
The aging pond-
A frog joyfully leaps in
Water is renewed
I changed the 'ya' to a hyphen to include a pause in the middle of the poem. Then I described the frog as joyful to express happiness and youth. In the last line I added that the water was renewed. I did this because the young frog's energy renewed the aging pond.
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Post by shanek6 on Oct 16, 2012 16:40:56 GMT -5
An experienced pond-
frog steps in
Water ripples
I used a hyphen inplace of the word "ya" as the ideas are being connected through out the Haiku. I left the second line untouched with punctuation because with my use of the text it flows much better then to try and add a pause. I changed "jumps" to "steps" because it changes it to a more gentle idea in the readers head. " The water ripples" was used to continue the idea of gentleness.
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Post by castaldo327 on Oct 16, 2012 16:56:59 GMT -5
180
The sound of water
As a frog jumps, landing in
An Exhausted pond
I switched the entire order of the poem in order to make it into a Haiku in English. I got rid of the "ya" all together because it did not fit anywhere in my version. I changed the word "old" to "exhausted" to make it seem like this is a daily occurrence that generally goes by unnoticed.
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Post by annasimon521 on Oct 16, 2012 17:27:48 GMT -5
180
The old stale pond:
Frogs jump from the river banks
creating ripples.
I added a semi colon where the "ya" was. I added words to the first and second line in order to follow the 5/7/5 scheme. I choose to not mention the water or the sound made when the frog jumps in directly because the image is protrayed through the other words I used.
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Post by djcu121 on Oct 16, 2012 17:48:34 GMT -5
180
At the aged pond:
Frogs jump into the water
creating the sound.
I put a colon where the "ya" was located. I added words in the second and third line in attempt to follow the 5/7/5. I chose to add "create" into the third line because it explains what happens after the frogs jump into the water.
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Post by mattka121 on Oct 16, 2012 17:52:29 GMT -5
Around the aged pond,
the green frog breaks the surface
with the sound of water.
I changed "ya" from a hyphen to a comma because in my version of the haiku the ideas are connected, but they flow better with a comma rather than a hyphen because I didn't want there to be a break in speech. I also changed "jump in" to "break the surface" because I felt like it was a better description and it allows the reader to see a specific image that makes the sound of water splashing not just the frog jumping in, so it made more sense to say "break the surface".
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Post by allisonza129 on Oct 16, 2012 17:56:22 GMT -5
The wise pond
the tiny frog reluctantly jumps in--
making a sound.
I decided to change the "old" pond to the "wise" pond in order to make the pond's description stand out. Also, I made the frog "reluctant" to jump into the water because it connects with the "wise pond"; the frog would be scared to jump into something new.
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Post by tylermelofchik on Oct 16, 2012 18:17:46 GMT -5
An old pond-
The frog jumps in
The water splashes
The first thing I changed in my translation was the word ya to a hyphen because the break it creates seemed important to show two different images. I kept the second sentence the same other then adding the because I felt it was a solid image on its own. Lastly I changed the third line from water sounds to the water splashes because I think people can visualize water splashing better
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Post by christinagu121 on Oct 16, 2012 18:23:49 GMT -5
The old pond ripples--
A frog leaps in with a splash
And the water's sound is gone.
I added a dash where the ya was to add a western influenced kireji. I added the words ripple and splash to provide more of an image of the scene. Then I mentioned that the sound of the water is gone to mark the end of the event and to create a final image.
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